Personified

March 17th, 2008 by alghaziiman


Well, my life is pretty much sorted nowadays. I’m pretty relaxed n enjoying myself but still sum things, i should say little details, r not really worked out yet. I guess i juz got myself 2 blame for all d mess i’m in but seriously 2 least i kept it in check n try 2 move on. I can’t regret wat i did bcoz its dun n over, i juz want 2 open a new chapter in my life. I can’t say d same 4 others as i hv no control over their feelings or discontent n stuff but i do welcome criticisms n feeddback on watever i did wrong so i can reflect n avoid such incidences in d future. I nnoe i’m headstrong n adamant on certain things but in life its purely instinctive 4 me 2 hv such character. That wat makes me, me!

Forcing sum1 2 do wat i ask dem 2 do is no solution unless of coz it has 2 b dun by no other no means. 2 noe me is 2 also compromise on my tantrums n ridicolous thots, of which theres plenty, my frens wld agree, but i’m not such a cold bastard who doesnt wanna hear wat d other party has 2 say? I dun work dat way. In problm solving we hv 2 think out of d box n try 2 rectify watever it is dat purely makes it a problm. 2 sum dat up is “2 be sane is 2 be insane n 2 be insane is 2 be sane”. Most ppl wldnt understand shit of dat quote, its not coined by anyone famous coincidentally, its frm moi’. I derived dat quote frm all d xperiences n life changing events in my life, which 2 tell u d truth is not really rosy. Life 4 me is not dat ez but its not dat hard neither. N again most ppl cldnt comprehend watever i’ve juz written here. So tell, cld u? Its not dat hard really, d answer is so damn simple dat it hurts not 2 noe but ultimately humans hv a tendency 2 complicate such simple matters. They overthink n misunderstand d basic queestion derived frm such quotes. y r there qoutes anyway?

Recently i faced many questions of which r solved by now, I’m juz waiting patiently 4 sum1 2 step up n look me in d eye n tell me wat needs 2 b said. I dun xpect miracles frm any1, i juz want dem 2 acknowledged wat they said 2 me n act accordingly. Initially its hard, i noe, i dun it b4, but if u willingly do it n believe in it y shldnt i listen? I dun xpect d world frm anybody, d simplest gestures humbles me 2 d core. Its d thot n d trust u put in me which is utmostly important 4 me. Wen i write dis ppl mite say i am demanding an action frm sum1 or sum ppl, a question i ask if i may, do u really understand wat i’ve written? If u dont den ur level of understanding is immature @ best. y? coz u r thinking way above n beyond wat i’m thinking. Dats y i hv difficulty in a relationship, dis is d real reason y? Am i dat hard 2 understand as a person? Am i complicated in such a way dat watevers written here confuses u? Ur mind is so messed up rite now. I cant blame u, its juz wat society n d government is trying 2 do 2 u. I am no philosopher neither a wise man, i do make mistakes, frm which i learn more abt myself n d situation dat arises frm it, i nvr ask 4 d world 2 b handed 2 me but yes i do demand understanding, trust n belief in me in order 2 make life ez. Once u understand sumthing its much more ezier 2 handle it n find a solution of it.

Most of my frens noe wen i get worried, d slightest wince or d occasional quietness in me triggers sumthing frm dem 2 ask. I hardly drink nowadays n wen i do its either for celebration or i’m really in d mood 2 talk 2 sum1 wif no holds barred. Even then it happens so randomly dat its like once or twice in a yr. I noe my frens r worried over me 2 n i noe dat i shld b worried abt myself more den others but dont i hv d rights 2 be worried over sum1 i care? All i need 2 calm myself down n not worry is 4 dat person 2 cum up 2 me n say it in my face. If dat person is afraid 2 do dat den dun blame me 4 worrying more n more. I juz need information but it better b d truth as if i find out otherwise den u best stay far, far away frm me. Unsolved problms r like a mother nagging 2 her child over sumthing. it will make me soooooo restless. Well if i can find dat better half of me who can change my charaacter n outlook in life den i guess i’m in luv, coz not many of my ex-gf can do dat 2 me, of which there arent 2 many. Even my buddies cant change d way i am. Call it ignorance but its wat i believe in wat makes me sane most of d time. So i put up a challenge 2 anybody who can make me change my way of life, thinking n habits. Plz cum forward n try ur best. We’ll c who comes out tops.

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JERK!!!!

March 5th, 2008 by alghaziiman


    Hv u had dat heavy heart b4 in ur life? Where u juz hv dat sinking feeling sumthing totally not gd gonna happen. Well i did. Yesterday b4 goin out of d house, i felt so shitty dat i asked ard if anybody is having any sort of problms? D answer? Nuthing, zilch. no1 was hving any problms. As is normal for me i acknowledged n juz proceeded wif watever i needed 2 do. Went ard searching for a present for sum1.

    D day was actually ok despite d endless drizzles frm d heavens. I temporarily 4got abt watever it is dat made me feel like crap. Was quite happy 4 a bit, went 2 do shop, had a couple of laughs, everything was normal. So decided juz walk ard nearby shops 2 continue lookng 4 dat particular present. Unknowingly 2 me dat crap feeling in d gut came slowly back. Its as if it juz wants 2 taunt me wif its subtle approach. dddrrrrrrr, My hp went off. As usual i was deeply into DM n juz barely noticed d vibrating n tone of my hp. She called, asking where i am, told her i was nearby walking ard. Den she nonchalantly told me dat she’s hving dinner wif him n droppd by d shop earlier n was told i was out.

    My heart juz sank! Emotions took over. Now i noe dat jealousy is pretty dangerous if not handled properly. I didnt realize @ dat point of time, all i knew was dat i had dis rage n my whole body was reacting 2 it. I was like in trance. Cut short my round n went down for smoke. Heart’s racing, minds constantly thinking, knees getting weak, a small flame had ignited. @ d back of my mind i thot dat i cldnt control dis xtreme rage boiling over me. Well solution was juz walk away. went 2 d shop, was told dat she was looking 4 me, acknowledged, took my bag, said my dues n left. Constantly dat fire in me enraged. thots of her being wif him juz kept dat flame goin n goin. Boarded d bus, was listening 2 human league @ d time n 1 of their hit songs played. It was Human. I juz sat down n listened. Wif tears welling up i listened. BAM!!!!! WTF am i doin! Dis is not me. I’m supposed 2 be like a brother 2 her, y am i feeling n behaving like a stuck up s.o.b. It knocked me gd,  hell it did. I definitely wasnt fair 2 her. i dunno wat came over me. now i felt totally crappy.

    reached home n washed up, setup my mac n settled in 2 watch juno. I was desperately trying 2 contain dis feeling which i shldnt hv. I guess watching dat movie did sumthing 2 me. i realised den dat i wasnt acting myself. i selfishly thot of myself n not doing what i shld do, dat is 2 respect any decision of which my frens made. i do not control dem neither do i reserve d rights 2 think dat they follow wat i say. of course i do feel a bit of jealousy but wen i think abt it its not right of me to do wat i did. its inexcusable. as i said i wasnt me. sum1 once said dat admitting wat u’ve dun is a very honorable thing to do n dats xactly wat i did. msgd her though its late but i juz hv 2 do it 2 clear d air n xplain my behaviour. dats d least i owed her aftr d stunt i pulled. fortunately she replied n i askd whther i cld talk for a few minutes. agreed n i kold. Words were jumbled but i definitely apologized. i shld be thankful dat she understands d situation, my bad.

    I hv 2 admit i am alone in d tasks dat undertake but incredibly blessed dat i hv a supportive group of weird, misunderstood ppl behind me all d way. I lost my way, my personal feelings got in d way of a beautiful frenship which if lost will be d worst day of my life. scout’s law no. 3 states: A scout makes friends, establishes and maintains harmonious relations. as i said i forgot who i was. i wont be where i am now if not for dem. dis incident wil haunt me but @ d very least it makes me learn my old ways which respecting ones wishes n decisions. i am glad its all over. i wanna bury dis as deep as i possibly cld. wats dun is dun, we hv 2 move on.

    i’m tired, losing weight for no reason, not eating right, sleepless nites n etc2. problms keep on piling. i guess i’ trying 2 hard 2 solve dem all. i shld take it ez frm now on seeing dat most of d problms i hv r either workd out or halfway thru. to tell u d truth i’m proud 2 be a skumz wif d rest of dem. no matter how quirky or shitty or watever @ least i noe they r behind me giving their support. well 1 wld ask wat den? wen i look into myself, soulsearching 4 sum, i found out dat need 2 find a companion outside d skumz. sum1 who can try 2 understand me n gv me dat little bit of care n concern of which i am lacking rite now. it was wrong of me 2 assume dat i found 1 which in fact i did but shes 2 close 2 be a lover for me instead she is family, la familia. i lost her once n i dun wanna lose her again. reason being i actually was lost without her. d skumz were a bit wayward @ d time she wasnt ard. now dat shes back a lot of things clear up. she definitely was d missing piece in da puzzle.

    now we hv new members in d grp, i’ve taken 1 under my wing. 2 slowly input in him abt who we r n wat we strive for n teach him wats needed 2 continue d legacy dat we hv built. 2 err is human 2 forgive divine. i admit i fucked up but circumstances has forced a hand in d stupid incident i did. seriously i still do love her, i still hv feelings for her coz shes familia. lafamilia de skumz. i treasure her as sum1 special. she is who she is, i am wat i am. respecting d decisions dat we make individually is wat it shld be. Truth of all dis is juz dat i’m scared, scared 2 b in a relationship. scared i mite fail again, dats y i’m not looking 4 anybody. but den i am hollow without dat sum1 in my life. well she showed me @ least i can love n care for sum1 again. a triumph indeed. still i am scared. 2 disappoint sum1 in my life is an unforgivable sin n i’m really afraid dat mite happen 2 me if i do step into dat world. i need guidance. i am patient enuff 4 d last couple of yrs but i guess hairline cracks r showing.

    Finally, (phewwww!!!) lets juz get on wif our lives as is. i’ve listened to DM enuff times 2 make me calm, angry, sad, ignorant n remember wat i did wen i was younger n listening 2 dem. it doesnt matter, if dis all shatters, nothing lasts forever, but i’m praying, that we’re staying together.

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March 3rd, 2008 by alghaziiman

I wonder y most of d times u go thru a very bad patch n find it hard to get out of it.
A lot of questions goes thru my head as i click my keypads, none r answered yet. Like y do i hv dis sinking feeling dat i like sum1 but it is utterly impossible to b wif dat person due 2 ethnicity n religion. I hv been sharing problms wif dis lady as, i mite kol her, n we had so many gd n also bad times 2gether. I seem 2 noe her likes, her dislikes even 2 most minute details. It really sickens me dat i hv 2 go thru dis without telling her my most true feelings.
Shld i or shldnt i tell her wats bothering me? Actually i alredi did but not d whole shit of wat i feel of her. Day n nite i feel gutted juz thinking of dis dilemma of mine. Even losing weight over all dis shit. Am i sick? NO! I guess i’m juz tired. But still theres no hiding of wat i feel towards her. though she can be very cranky n grumpy @ times but she does make me feel needed. She’s got my back no matter wat it is.
Ultimately can i go thru all dis denying d fact i will eventually fall in love. Shld i juz withdraw n b silent. act as if nuthing is bothering me whereas it sickens me juz to even b wif her n not telling her d whole truth. Mayb its d fact dat i acknowledged her as a sister to me. I hv sisters in my family but nine, except for 1, can really understand me. she does dat all for me. I faced up 2 more shit den dis in my day but nuthin compares 2 dis. seriously my head is gonna blow soon. Fortunately i dun hv any migraines but its been racking my brains enuff 2 get me not 2 concentrate on other important things i shld b lookin after.
2 many maybes dun make an answer. I will not rest till i hv a definite answer. Its juz me i guess, i cldnt let things rest till i get a definitive answer frm dat particular individual. Am i wrong in all dis. plz sum1 tell me dat. I’m goin back 2 depeche mode songs 2 find d answers, found a few maybes, a few skeptics n d odd confirmation. Still it doesnt really gv me wat i want. Dis is a path dat is very shaky n mite end up me pushing her away den pulling her close 2 me. Y!!!!!!

I am not myself. Wen i think abt it it does makes sense but wen i try 2 make it sensible 2 understand it doesnt. D heart n mind goes opposites but my instincts sides my heart. Plz sum1 help me. If i say dis 2 d people who r close 2 me its gonna be more mindboggling. N juz imagine wat they wld say.

I dun think i hv any more words 2 really xplain watever is goin thru my mind now but Seriously i am stuck in a corner wif problms aftr problms piling unto me n shoving me deep into oblivion. For those who noe me they noe n understand wat i’m goin thru abt other problms but not wif dis 1 coz i hvnt told dem abt it yet. Its a personal matter dat shld be settled between me n her. I hv alternatives as i found out but putting it 2 action is entirely very difficult 4 me 2 go thru.

Well i started dis mess, i gotta mend it n send it on its way. let destiny dictate watever i am supposed 2 go thru. I am tired. I wanna rest frm all dis headaches i hv constantly.

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Reflections

November 24th, 2007 by alghaziiman

WEll its been quite a year aint it? wat wld u want 2 replay back for d past year?

Personally none of it. As age catches up u reflect on wats surrounding u n prioritize wats important n wats not. AS frenship concern more n more ppl i get 2 noe(none very personally….haizzz) i evolve myself 2 suit each character as dey shld. Most important is u noe wat u need 4 urself not 4 d sake of others. d skumz r quite a handful 4 me to handle alone, slowly but surely i try to get to grips wif each individual skumz.

In d end i hv 2 make decisions based on majority’s view of each hurdle we cum thru. Life is nvr so simple. Its all trial n  error shit but u still hv 2 go on wif watever it throws @ u. Thankfully i survived it all n had a few close shaves. Only those who noe me personally will understand wat i’m doing n y i did it.

Last but not least i owe it to dem skumz who hv been supportive of me n d grp as a whole. For d nx yr i hope each n every1 of dem is successful in achieving wat dey aim for. Gd Luck Old Skumz n may we strive for d better n achieve things we hv so long planned n hoped 4. HIDUP OLD SKUMZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Musim Lebaran

December 30th, 2006 by alghaziiman

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Musim Lebaran ini byk membawa erti pada diri ku. Lazimnya smua org menyambut Aidilfitri dgn penuh ceria tp pada Aidiladha mcm sepi jer. Kemana kemeriahan smua tuh pi? Tak sama ker kedua2 sambutan nih? sepatutnya aidiladha lah yg patut kita raikn ngan penuh keceriaan. Tak begitu? Iyer mmg aidilfitri tuh kita patut brgembira kerna lepas sudah sebln puasa, aidiladha membawa makna yg lebih. Ia menunjukkn pengorbanan sesorg lakukn trhadap dirinya, keluarganya, teman2nya, dan sekililingnya. Haizz, apalah manusia nih. Tp tetap mana2 lebaran ku rasa kesunyian. bkn kerna tidak menyambut nga sang isteri atau keluarga, tp seorg yg kusayangi dan kujunjung sepanjng riwayat ku yg sederhana ini. Kebelakangan ini ku slalu mengingatinya, kurindui kehadirannya dgn ku pd musim lebaran. Setiap kali ku lihat sebuah keluarga di jalanan ku slalu tringt. Betapa ku rindu kasih sayangnya walau ku tahu tidak akn trubat sebak hatiku ini.

Sebyk mana air mata ku linangkn namun masa2 yg brharga dgnnya hy tinggal kenangan sajer. bagaimanapun janjiku pd almarhummah Ibunda ku tetap akn usahakn. Insya’allah bila masanya tiba perasaan hiba akn brtukar mnjadi kebahagian bg aku yg berjaya mentepati janji lamaku. Biarlah wat masa nih ku trus brusaha utk hr yg bahagia itu. Dgn salaman tulus ikhlas saya ucapkn salam Eid Mubarak kpada smua yg kenali saya brserta dgn Thn Baru 2007 ini, semoga setiap impian dan azam br kamu trcapai. Amin Ya Rabal Alamin.

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Kehidupan

November 9th, 2006 by alghaziiman

Hp
brgetar….., ada msg lahh. Ustz msg….hmm. Sedih sgt sedih,
ayanhandanya sudah pun kembali ke Rahmatullah. Trkelu sebentar. Memori
silam sewaktu saat2 akhir almarhummah ibu kembali menghantui benak
hatiku. Ku tahu perasaan yg dilalui oleh Ustz, Bukan mudah utk
menerimanya akn tetapi kalo sudah ajalnya kita tak dpt menghalang.
Trketar2 jari jemariku menaip huruf yg hanya dpt sampaikn betapa ku
rindu ibundaku. Namun ku tetap pasrah atas kehendak ilahi yg lebih
menyayangi ibundaku trsayang. Mungkin selama ini ku menyendiri adalah
kerna ku mencari seorg insan yg seperti almarhummah. Dgn izin Yg Maha
Kaya insya’allah akn kutemui jodohku yg sesuai. Walaupun sudah sethn ku
putuskn hubungan dgn si dia, rasa sayang dan rindu tetap ada. Lembar
baru akan dibuka. Akan ku ceburi titian yg agak susah, namun dgn berkat
dan rezki dr teman2 dan keluarga insya’allah bisnis yg kecil-kecilan
ini akan dpt sambutan yg menggalakkn. Subuh kian menghening alaf baru
menyingsing, terus ku maju kehadapan demi utk mencari kepuasan dan
menegakkn apa yg selama ini ku idamkn. Doakn pdku wahai keluarga,
beriknlah semangat pdku wahai temanku. Dgn ini smua dan barakah dr
Allah SWT ku pandu diriku kepada sukses. AMIN YA RABAL
ALAMIN.4             

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Hectic coincidences

September 3rd, 2006 by alghaziiman

   IMF delegates comin to town shortly,( dah sampai kot…) n part of lovely singapore will be closed to d public to enhance security. More specifically d whole of Suntec city n abt a 5 km radius ard it. I was assured dat Marina Bay shopping ctr will still b open but i mite think otherwise. U see if hundreds of important ppl r coming wld u not hv an inkling of suspicion dat anywhere near d meeting place wld be a fortress of sum sort?

  Who r we joking anyway, dis is country breeds kiasuism like its an it product 2 sim lim. A lot of peeps wll disagree wif me but c’mon admit it! I unabashedly do admit it. not all d time but there r instances u noe. U juz unwillingly do it. its Natural. In our subconcious mind we juz did it. So wat am i trying to point out here?

  Besides d obvious, our wise government officials do practice kiasuism. Its kinda like Singlish, its a trademark we were born wif. 4 me its part of lives. we can’t seem to get rid of it. So in d end we juz hv to live wif it. Peeps understand dis, no matter what color, race, religion, political thinking, or watever, u as a singaporean hv 2 admit kiasuism is in u. dun deny it. work wif it it mite or mite not go away. Rest assured u r not alone.

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Watever

May 27th, 2006 by alghaziiman

Watever…..!!!! Such a common word, such wide range of xplanations brought abt. For me personally it really means watever the hell u want it to be. U see life as it is, is hard enuff to fathom but sumhow or rather we go thru it. Xperiences r a part of it all. well age too but wif enuff things happenin ard u wat hv u actually gottn frm it?

My life has been a death rollercoaster ride. Since i was a kid i hv been intersted in books all d way. Mostly non-fiction by d way. Is it really strange for sumone to read abt al cpone, adolf hitler, karl marx, martin luther king, malcolm  x, Also our beloved Prophet Muhammad P.B.U.H. Frm all dis books n ideologies i derive life as i see it fit.

I’ve been thru gd relationships all my life, loving d very woman i meet n share my love wif. I am naive but its all in d gd of things. Is it wrong to want ur life partner to be who u want to be? I dun ask much. Only fo dem to be a lovin n supporting wife n a devoted mother to our offspring(which 1 day i pray to hv). Life is full of uncertainties n ppl u meet hv their own ideals dat dey want.

Dats where compromise cums in. Understanding n devotion to on anothr is a sacred principle. I am nvr a womaniser, nor am i unfilial to whoevr i am wif. I believe dat u will reap wat u sow. Which evidently runs true. Lastly, i am who i am. Events shape me who i am, it will go on dat way fo d rest of my life. Also i do not Bow down to other ppls wishes dat ezly. In short treat me as who i am n u will be rewarded, ignore dat n u will get wat u truthfully deserve. Not now but soon, believe dat.

Your Heart is free. Have the courage to follow it.

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Ageing

April 26th, 2006 by alghaziiman

To this day i really nvr pondered upon how age contributes to one’s self. As yrs goes by, n age catches up wif u, it creeps up on u unsuspectingly. How u may say? Well its simple. Evryday u go to work n do watevr it is do n u kinda notice dat certain things chnge slowly.
Like d atmosphere ur office or restroom or any kinda place. it totally absorbs u. Also ppl ard u kinda go wif d flow u noe. its weird, i cant really xplain how it is but it actually happens to most of us. u tend t look at d youngsters n think wat u’ve done for d past yrs?
To me age is but a number, wat makes ur day is sum1 close to u does sumthing dat makes u appreciated. dat gvs dat xtra sumthin in ur life to make it worth d while.for me frens r all i hv n will hv for d rest of my life. without dem  it will be different. well occasionally u meet dat sum1 who is special but u will nvr run away frm ur frens. they r d ones who noe u day aftr day. joke ard, shre sadness, being there for u no matter wat happens.
I found dis bunch accidentally. great bunch of guys n gals of coz. no matter where or wat we always find sumthin to entertain ourselvs wif. sumtimes i think back n kinda wonder how d hell do i end up wif dem? contrasting characters at d most, willing to help, willing to criticise at d same time.in d end we compromised n find sumtin good out of our frenship.
Guys n gals, u noe who u r, thx for being a fren who matters. for bein there wen i need u n hving fun all  d time. it maks my days dat much brighter. to my homies be good n keep on doin wat u do. i am but a phone call away. anytime anyday. I SALUTE TO ALL MY HOMIES.

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Wat telah happend

March 25th, 2006 by alghaziiman

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wat seems to be d problm wif society nowadays? is it due to the openness of d western culture or specifically wanna be western? I dunt understand actually. A picture was shown to me which is too much for me to bear. it depicts d senselessness of d socio-political thinkings of certain individuals, which i will not name out of caution.

Wondering wat d freaking thing was, 1 thing came to mind. was it even conceivable? Taking away a life which has not sinned towards u, is dat morally rite? i dunno. its graphic nature is beyond me. it totally grabs d mind n focuses on d curiosity of d situation of which was brought dis unmerciful fate.

wld u bear to hv to make a decision of taking an innocent life who hasnt seen d world, whose life depends on u. it feeds frm wat u consume, yet u discard withut any prerogatives. wat has it become. yes of course we do not know d reasons y it is done but dunt u even ponder on it? Y? ius it necessary? religion teaches us to value life, not to take it away liberally. wat rite hv u to do dat justice? or injustice i shld say. evrything is there for a reason, no doubt sum reasons r quite oblivious to me but d important thing is dat we hv a morality issue which has gone out of hand.

To xplain more wld exact my utmost hatred towards sum1, which i am not prepared to do, 1 certain thing is dat i do disagree if it is done out of shame n personal choice. unless it is by endangering 1self den its fine by me but only den wld it be if d situation permits. it perplexes me n contorts my cranium to d utmost. plz ya allah adakah smua ini perlu? to u i seek answers ya allah n to u i plead for dis to senseless killing to end.

my frens if u do not understand wat i’m trying to tell den its ok. if u do den u’re 1 step closer in understanding my issues wif ppl n d world. do not ask wat u can do to society but wat u can do to urself to achieve wat society has long avoided.

UNITY, STRENGTH, TEAMWORK, MINDFUL THINKING, UNDERSTANDING…….. GO FIGURE!!!!!

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